I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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