In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
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I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
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you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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