Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just invented taco cereal.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
