I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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