my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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