I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
