I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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