I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
