For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
