She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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