Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
