Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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