here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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