turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
