How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
