Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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