We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
