i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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