Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
