I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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