pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
two words: eviction party
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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