I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
