friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
