I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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