Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
