i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
