Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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