you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
