just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
