this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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