my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives