If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow