Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
And then my night got REAL pukey
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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