god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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