You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
