Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
