tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
