Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
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hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
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if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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