i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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