Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
