Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
