He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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