This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
