are you still at the devil's house?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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