She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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