Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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