the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
