you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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