Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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