He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
