I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
