I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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