you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
