Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
