and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
