I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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