Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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