I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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