sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
