Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
